What now or Now what !?!

At a young age, I learned patience and tolerance and have tried to lived my life holding fast to these virtues.  However, since the arrival of our twins in 2007, I seem to be relearning their definitions on a daily basis.  Over these past several years, my wife and I have been very blessed that I have been able to be a stay at home dad to our children.  Once my wife returned to work, anxiety (now my new BFF) set in, leaving me to ponder, how am I going to do this?  That mantra quickly flew out the window the minute reality set in and realized that there wasn't anyone else in the room.  It is just me and the kids.  You figure it out and deal with it.

My wife and I read practically everything under the sun regarding being first time parents but nothing truly prepares you for raising two (or more) at the same time.  The opinions in the books are merely educated guesses, at best, but it is all of those things that "they" do not tell you or write about that becomes life lessons learned.  For instance, how do you evenly divide your rapidly depleting patience level, between two children who are constantly demanding 110% of it at every waking moment... and it is not even lunch time yet?  We are currently dealing with the age of 7 now and I am still asking myself that very same question on a daily basis.  Our son and daughter are two incredibly spirited, wonderfully imaginative children whose main ambition (at least for the time being) seems to be to make my life complete and utter chaos.  I can remember people telling us, "Just wait until they start walking, it will get easier".  At one year old, they began to walk (in different directions, of course, which made routine weekly shopping an "adventure" to say the least)  At two years of age people said, "The "attitude of the two's" is nothing, just wait until they are three"...now they say, "That's nothing, Just wait until they are four"... what gives?  I am beginning to get a sense that nobody really has a firm grasp on the whole parenting thing.  Except to say that there is nothing there to firmly grasp because every day is in a constant state of evolution.

Basically, this is what I have figured out thus far.  When it comes to the raising of our children, nobody knows better than me (and my wife of course), nobody can tell you what is right for your children but me (and my wife of course) and nobody could have possibly prepared me for this incredible journey that lies before me but me (and my...well.. no that was just me).  All the books and experts out there, as informative as they can be,  are no substitution for trusting your instinct when you are in the thick of it.   Other than that, from sunrise to sunset, everyday is an adventure.  There was a point and time in my life where I would see the sun come up for very different reasons, nowadays, I watch the sun come up and, seeing the world thru their beautiful eyes, it's always a great day.  Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go save a princess who has been taken aboard a stinky toed pirate ship. Twitter

Today’s Mr. Mom

“Well ...no... I don’t "work" work... I mean not with a "regular" job....I mean....I’m umm…I’m a … Stay-at-Home Dad."

That was generally my response to the small talk social question, "So, what do you do?"  Granted, over the first few years, I had time to work on my delivery but no matter how I said it, the reaction was always the same.  It was if I was speaking Swahili. The reaction from most women is ...Really!?  However from men, it is a completely different story.  The deer in the headlight look that follows my response has become priceless.  It feels like that big white elephant in the room that no one knows how to talk about and it has happened time and time again.

The first time I noticed that situation was about a year after the kids were born. We were invited to an event which was to be the first time that my wife and I had really “socially surfaced” since the kids were born.  Within a couple of hours of mingling, I had somehow managed to exclude myself from the large group of guys who were talking the normal stuff, sports, current events, whatever … I realized, for the first time in my life, that I was completely out of my element.  For the past year, I had been taking care of our twins and missed very few diaper changes along the way.  If they wanted to talk about formula, types of diapers, or feeding schedules then I was your man, but it was truly an eye opening experience for me.  Heck, I was the guy with a Science/Biology Degree, who played Collegiate Rugby in college, had years of "meet and greets" as an Actor, and who is an avid Sports Fanatic… what happened?

No doubt, that in my parent’s generation, men had a very defined role as the “family provider” but today, that role and definition is evolving.  In today's socio-economic climate, men are giving way to their female counter parts when it comes to bringing home the bacon.  Fortune Magazine reported that over one third of its “50 Most Powerful Women in Business” had a stay-at-home spouse and according to an article in the Washington Post, the numbers of stay-at-home dads have tripled over the past decade.  

 There seems to also be a new type of vocabulary being created.  Not that the words themselves are new, but that they are being used by men is what makes them so.  Words like play dates, mommy and me classes and stay-at-home dad are slowly becoming part of the male vocabulary as well.  I challenge any man to sit thru a mommy and me class for 8 months and not walk away having learned a little something new about himself.   It can also be a very creative moment for a man to use the word play date in a sentence with another dad and not somehow feel like you would rather be wearing a three piece suit having a downtown power meeting regarding world affairs while picking up a game of tackle football on your lunch break.

 With a tool belt in one hand and a diaper bag in the other, stereotypes have begun to change.  There is a huge dynamic shift that is taking place and I feel like I not only bought a front row seat to this unprecedented statistic but also have somehow managed to become part of the main attraction.  A few years down the road who knows what tomorrow may bring but, for now, I am exactly where I need to be... providing for my family as a stay-at-home dad. Twitter

Flying with Infants: An exercise in humility (Part 1)

Flying with Infants: An exercise in humility

( Part 1)  Flying with young children for new parents can be an anxiety filled experience that can raise stress levels to new heights (pun intended).

For us, family logistics necessitated a trip to Houston when my kids were 4 months old. My grandmother could not wait any longer to meet her great-grandchildren. Despite the days of pre-flight anxiety and planning, that flight was a pleasure, because the kids slept from take-off to landing. All the planning on how to manage the kids to minimize disruption to other passengers was shelved.

We strategically plotted the right time to feed them, give them their bottles, pacifiers, toys, etc. This very good experience gave me a false sense of confidence because, fast-forward eight months to our second trip to Houston, and I quickly realized that that earlier trip was an anomaly. This time around, Murphy’s Law reared his head and everything that could go wrong did.

Before we even got on the plane, we had made so many mistakes that helped elevate our stress, setting the stage for a really bad experience. The first trip went so well with the kids so we decided to do what we did last time regarding how many seats to purchase. That would be mistake number one. Simply because the airlines will allow you to hold your children under the age of two on your lap, does not mean it’s a good idea. The second mistake was assuming that MacArthur Airport was a hidden secret. My “everyone fly’s out of LaGuardia or JFK theory” was quickly debunked when we saw the lines to get through security.  This resulted in missing our original flight.

Once we rebooked and finally got on the plane, my son on my lap and my daughter with my wife, (not for long), the fun began. We proceeded to play musical kids for the duration, including a layover in Orlando. They both wanted the same parent at the same time despite all the treats and toy distractions we packed with us. They were loud, crying and making a mess all around us. For the sake of our fellow passengers, we tried to give them whatever they wanted.  Not a shocking revelation to a level-headed parent, but to one on the edge of sanity at 30,000 feet, it was an aha moment. As you can imagine, I felt totally helpless to control a situation spiraling out of control. What I wasn’t taking into account was the fact that amongst the passengers in close proximity to us there is a good chance that many of them had children and could relate to my situation on some level.

Finally, we arrive in Houston and learned that our luggage did not, and would not for at least another 24 hours. Fast forwarding through the holidays, it was a great family trip.  Before we knew it we were back at the airport for our return flight. Once we boarded the aircraft, we were told that we would be arriving back in New York sooner than expected. I gave an acknowledging look to my wife. That was to be the last time any of us would see a smile until we landed and got off of the airplane. Murphy’s Law was about to be introduced to Urban Legend. We were literally only seconds away from becoming every bit of “that family” that you only hear about.  Twitter

Flying with Infants: An exercise in humility (Part 2)

Flying with Infants: An exercise in humility (Part 2)

Our “early departure” was interrupted by the simple fact that we have now been on the plane for over an hour and we were still sitting on the tarmac.  It’s deja-vue all over again, the crying, screaming, seat swapping, nothing worked to quiet them down. Our food, our games, our distractions for our one year old twins were becoming exhausted much to the exhaustion of the people around us as we finally began to take off.  We were becoming every bit of that Urban Legend family that you only here about. You know, the one on a 4 hour flight with two children who wanted to be anywhere but where they were at that given moment and whose children had absolutely no problem communicating to us, each other and everyone sitting around us just how displeased they were with the situation for the entire flight.

Over the course of the next several hours, we managed to alienate everyone around us with our two children and with no viable options for keeping the kids interested and occupied, we paced every inch of that airplane back and forth. Again, flying at 35, 000 feet, what are your options really?

 

 It was not long before diapers needed changing so my daughter and I were off to the restroom.  Not sure who calculates the size of the changing table but it is certainly not sufficiently long or wide enough to change a one year old.  What proved helpful while in the bathroom was her fascination with the sink.  She was amused and more importantly quiet while playing with the water.  For as long as we could, without disrupting others needing the facilities, we stayed in the restroom and played with the sink.  Cramped back and all, I was determined to keep one of the two under control. 

For those points in time when we had to give someone else a turn in the restroom, I tried to keep my son at bay.  I don’t know how it happened but I think it was just after he had devoured the last bag of puffs that his “restlessness” began..  At some point I managed to get my son in a “full nelson” so he finally calmed down and dozed off just as we began to land however all the racket of people moving around getting their luggage, woke him back up immediately. By the end of the flight, the lady sitting next to us, much like our own children, was wearing a mix of fishy crackers, puffs and cereal bars and to her credit, “understood” what we were going thru but obviously wanted to be in another seat…any other seat.  Our daughter was so covered from head to toe to the point that the lady even commented what “spirited” little boys we have.

Our plane finally arrived back at JFK at 11:45pm and we noticed that there were several messages on both of our phones. Having arranged for someone to meet us with our vehicle, we found out there was a problem.  Apparently, the vehicles interior lights were somehow left on the entire time we were gone, and in the 20 degree temperature, the result was a dead battery.  Did I mention that it is well after midnight and we are still at the airport with 2 children who refuse to sleep or sit in the stroller or use their “inside voice”?.

We eventually arrive home sometime around 1:30 am and I begin to pick up our children who have finally decided to fall asleep.  I guess all the excitement was too much for the little darlings.  As my wife goes to open the front door of the house, I hear a muted but very distinct, “Oh no”.  Before we left on our trip, we made sure that my in-laws had keys to check on things, shovel snow, etc.. but I guess in all of the preparation of the trip, we apparently gave both sets of our keys to her family.  The same family members that were at home sleeping because, well, it is 1:45 in the morning after all.  After a very brief “conversation”, we made the call and within a few minutes they arrived with our keys.  We were finally inside our home.

The past 12 hours felt like the longest month of my life. Obviously, if the proverbial glass is half-full, the redeeming factor(s) is that we spent the holidays with family and that we all traveled home safely.  Not a day goes by where I do not Thank the Almighty to have the family I do.  Can we laugh about all of this now?   Well… sure…but it still really is more of an awkward laugh. Twitter